It isn’t like peeling an orange. It isn’t like popping a walnut. Skulls are harder than I’d imagined. How long do I have, now? I’m still here, here enough to know this is wrong, but I love my wife and I love my kids and I want to hold onto those memories and for that I need a brain. Someone is coming closer, hesitating, slack-jawed. I scream at him, meaning to send him words like, “Back off! This is mine! […]
“Why aren’t you married?” That’s the number one question on a single woman’s hit list. Running close, in second place is: “Why isn’t a woman like you married?” The latter moves to first place if any of the following adjectives modify woman: smart, pretty, and wonderful. “Why isn’t a wonderful woman like you married?” Those complimentary words only underscore the absurdity of your situation. You’re such a catch but still at sea. Over the course of my extensive singlehood—I dated […]
The thing about scientific experiments is that you have to follow directions. You have to know the terminology and pay attention to detail. You have to pay attention. I don’t understand much about how to do the experiments in this class because I am not paying attention. I don’t really know that I am not paying attention, though, because I look right at the teacher when he’s talking, which is what you do when you’re paying attention, but it’s like […]
So I am 19 years old and fucked up on mushrooms in my dorm room, and in the next hour I am going to call my mother to tell her that I found God. In the next few months, I am going to fail out of school. In the next few years, I am going to become the stunning display of skin and bones in front of you, but before that, I was 19 years old and fucked up on […]
As my girlfriend and I prepare for our first camping trip as a couple, I am determined to do something that has never been done before: I am going to use the skills I learned as a boy scout to impress a potential mate. At this point in our relationship, I am just as concerned with impressing Ann, as I am unclear about what traits are impressive. I lead her through REI with all the confidence of an Eagle Scout […]
Ebola? I spit on your Ebola. Let me tell you about the plague that came to Europe 668 years ago. It is known to history as the Black Death, and we think it killed about 200 million people worldwide. In 1966 the Rand Corporation did a study for the U.S. Government. They were asked to look at natural disasters in history and find one that came closest to thermonuclear war. The Black Death is what they picked. Now, the thing […]
There’s this scene in the 1995 film “Now and Then” where a rival boy group, The Wormers, go skinny-dipping. The leader of The Wormers is Scotty Wormer, played by a then 12-year-old Devon Sawa. At one point in the scene you can clearly see Sawa’s bare ass as he runs away from the camera and into a lake. This scene was rewound, paused and squealed over at every sleepover I attended in the late ‘90s. The same year “Now and […]
Control is very important in scientific experiments. But for me, the most nonscientific person I know, there is one instance where control is a necessity, where minimizing as many variables as possible is the number one task at hand. I speak of the weigh-in, the moment when you step on a scale and wait for a number to appear. It’s like waiting for a slot machine to complete its rolls so you can see what matches up – your jeans will […]
Technology is so great, helping me stay connected, helping me build my business, helping me… find dudes to date. A match.com date is like spinning a giant wheel of fate and then click click click wink. I start talking to a downtown consultant who loves to brew beer. His photo shows that he is athletic with kind eyes and that he has his shirt on (please men, stop with the selfies in the bathroom). His emails do not mention his […]
