My children are adopted. Not because I’m the benevolent sort who goes around picking up street urchins in order to give them a good home, but because I totally sucked at getting pregnant. It started with an ectopic pregnancy that almost ended me and caused so much damage that I ended up getting fertility treatments for years, some of which involved my husband shooting me up with hormones. He was a dentist. Great with needles in the mouth, not so […]
I dunno about you folks but I don’t love giving blowjobs. The pushing, the pulling, the choking the gagging … all of that is annoying, but I have a darker reason. This reason is what I have come to call The Blowjob Incident. One summer day in June 2004 I boarded a Southwest flight from Chicago to Los Angeles. There were very few seats left when I got on. I plopped down next to a guy. He was doing the […]
It’s Thursday night in Lititz, Pennsylvania and Woody Clarke wants to see my pubic hair. I can tell because in the last hour he’s said some variation of “c’mon, show me your bush” at least three times, and my unwillingness to show him what I’ve got under there must be wearing him down because this last time, between sinking the 9 ball and the 13, he just pointed at my crotch and whispered, “She’s on fire! Let me see it.” […]
I leaned against the wall in the small hallway outside the door where my brother’s body was waiting. The wallpaper bordering the walls was covered in hideous intensely colored petunias in shades of pink and purple, and I wondered if it was intended to brighten my spirit. My parents were the first to view Steve’s body and my brothers and sister were growing anxious. Patrick paced in a small circle with his hands shoved deep in his khaki pockets, Molly […]
Are you sick and tired of friends and learning? Do you feel overwhelmed by the immense pressure of having your day planned out for you? Have you had enough of the selfless adults who dedicate their lives to your development in return for poverty-level compensation? Then have I got something for you. The new school year is here, kids, and it’s not going away. But what if I told you that there was a way to make less school? You’re […]
I kept my mouth shut and threw bananas. When I did this I made money. More money than I had made in my life. I was 22 years old, just out of college, working a summer job as a Teamster in 1980 making $10.33 an hour and didn’t want to do anything to lose this golden goose of a job or get my ass kicked. I was a laborer on Chicago’s South Watermarket working from 1 am to 11 am. […]
My father was a good man, so he wanted the best for his daughter. When my parents banned Barbie, it was Dad who was behind it. The rules of Barbie were complicated. When my aunt and uncle gave me a Barbie doll for my birthday, my parents solemnly placed her in a box, put that box on the highest shelf in my closet, and told me I could have her when I was 16 years old. On the other hand, […]
Originally performed at Snubfest, click below to watch Paul Whitehouse perform his story. Paul is a Chicago based storyteller, educator, and actor. As a storyteller, he has told stories all over Chicago and has had his work featured on the Afternoon Shift on WBEZ. He also has told stories for family audiences at the Chicago Symphony Center. He teaches with American Theatre Company, Goodman Theatre, and Pegasus Theatre. Some of his favorite plays he has acted in include The Hotel […]
“I’m leaving your father.” It’s Christmas Eve 2005. I am in love with a man who told me, right before I got on the plane home to Chicago, that he loved me but didn’t “love” me love me. He is beautiful. He smells like Old Spice. I live in Los Angeles. This pretty much automatically means I am miserable.
